I was taught to
Swallow my tears.
Keep them within,
Becoming bloated with grief.
My blood saturated with salt
Heart so heavy
And lungs drowned with self inflicted water,
I could no longer stand.
I could not absorb oxygen needed to keep warm nor fully breathe,
Could not pump blood through my own veins to live.
Not knowing that to cry was such strength
For those surrounding me
Claimed it as
A winning of some kind to break another more than yourself.
I still cry in the dark.
I never said I was perfect.
I draw a hot bath, pouring generous amounts of bubble bath under the faucet.
I immerse myself slowly as the temperature of the water is a bit too hot.
White tub, white shower curtains,
White noise fan.
Sleepy eyelids closing.
I want to stay here and dream.
The water is getting chilly
And the faucet is dripping ice cold drops on my toes,
Reminding me this is no fairytale.
The fan is singing to me
And no one is asking me questions now.
I will stay just a little longer.
Linger just a little longer.
Linger just a little longer
As tears trickle
Down my skin eventually mixing with the bath water.
I will merely imagine
I am adrift in the ocean.
It is late.
The falling moonlight has gone to my
The wine has gone to my
No fault but mine.
I lick the salt on my lips which
The air has placed there; sea spray.
Another night on the
The waves lap at my feet as I
Sit here on the rocks.
It is not my fault,
My mind does not comprehend
So I close my eyes and listen.
Tears on the back of my hand.
And I fight my longing desire to stay.
My very atoms scattering in the wind.
The deepness of me,
Soul fathoms spinning.
I am here yet I have never been here.
Everywhere lingers in my hair.