I was taught to

Swallow my tears.

Keep them within,

Becoming bloated with grief.

My blood saturated with salt

Until

Solidified

Heart so heavy

And lungs drowned with self inflicted water,

I could no longer stand.

I could not absorb oxygen needed to keep warm nor fully breathe,

Could not pump blood through my own veins to live.

Not knowing that to cry was such strength

For those surrounding me

Saw it,

Claimed it as

Victory;

A winning of some kind to break another more than yourself.

I still cry in the dark.

I never said I was perfect.

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Sneak Out

Let’s sneak out after midnight.

Meet me down the road.

We’ll go running through the field.

Nobody will know.

Bring your father’s bourbon

And a radio too.

We’ll listen to some music,

Maybe dance a song or two.

I’ll bring us a blanket

And wear my yellow dress.

The one I wore last summer,

The one you like best.

We’ll lay down with each other,

Not breathe a single word.

Because we know what our hearts are saying,

Nothing that can be heard.

We’ll count the stars to a million.

We’ll laugh until we cry.

We’ll hold each others hands,

Watch the lightening bugs make fire in the

Sky.

And I can’t wait to see you.

Can’t wait to breathe you in.

Can’t wait to see your laughing eyes

And do it all again.

*originally published November 2015 @choleintodiamonds*

Again

Dragging my feet as I leave the house this morning,

Feeling heavy and

Dreary.

My eyes met with a cotton candy sky,

Blue and pink and white delight before me.

Looking to the heavens and beyond,

Now,

Settling back into my skin a new day begins.

A new day begins.

Each morning awakening brings a bonus day.

I shift my body;

A moment to adjust myself, my mind, my heart.

I shall live in abundant love,

Grateful awareness.

Begin again from here.

Pictures

I turn the page slowly,

My fingers lingering,

My thoughts turning.

Touching the faces of

Loves passed on now, closing my eyes as

My heart summons memories.

I realize I am holding my breath; silence.

Waiting

To hear them say my name just once more.

So much time held in one picture book,

So much love.

Open

I try to keep my eyes open

For every time

I close them

That

Cellular level ache begins.

The longing.

I know you are near me.

And you are so distracting.

Pulling. Twirling my heart

In an endless dance;

A rhythm of breaths and dreams.

1,2,3 steady.

1,2,3,4 up I go and where I land, if ever,

Is unbeknownst in this plane.

A realm we agreed upon in time and space prior;

Between souls.

Destiny.

Break

So many

Break their own heart, mind and

Bones to fit in a box

Just to feel loved,

While their soul

Is free

Coaxing and loving them still,

“Come with me come with me.”

Gardens

I sit in the gardens,

The smell of soil

Filling my veins.

Distant sounds of traffic and

Humans

Disappear

As the hummingbird does his thing before Me,

Flitting

And flapping.

Cicadas and dragonflies.

This music cradles me as I sway to the rhythm;

Become the rhythm.

Vitality and rejuvenation joining

In my heart and mind.

I am so far away,

So very close.

Everywhere yet nowhere,

Dancing energy intertwining.

Merging and surging.

A decadent,

Ceaseless heartbeat melody

Of stillness abounds and sways.

Reborn.