She stood staring at the monument,
Her mind taken back
Was that the same wind blowing through her hair
On a day so very long ago?
Has it just been traveling the world;
Been out there somewhere waiting to hear her heart beat again?
Now she was
Afraid to turn around.
Not ready to leave,
Fearful the tears would fall
And a passerby would stare.
They would most likely
Assume she must be drunk or out of her mind.
No, she teetered on the edge and almost plunged
Just plain sad. People do not like to see that
Before I remember,
When i began to walk
I started carrying your disappointment and Fear
On my back.
And when my staggering posture became noticeable
Carefully moved it
Behind my ribcage
Between my heart and my stomach,
Rearranging my insides for you.
It was almost impossible to breathe,
Impossible to eat.
Though I thought that is what good children do.
As I grew I realized
You did it for your mother and father too.
This was all you knew.
I am grateful we broke our hearts open.
We broke the silence.
The bravest thing i ever did
Return home and
My fear and pain.
Oh the nightmares. The anxiety and dizziness
From holding my breath all this time.
I believed I had left it there in darkened places
I had been carrying it;
I placed forgiveness
And in return
Was immersed in love.
And I felt lighter and I flew higher than ever before.
On to living a fuller life.
On to letting go of more of this and that I have picked up along the way.
The power was mine all along.
The power is mine.
Knocked the breath out of her.
Hands hit skin,
Words hit heart.
She was fearful
Scared to speak.
Scared to move.
To say the wrong word,
To give the wrong look.
Her legs always shaking step by step.
Heaven forbid a tear should fall
(You damn crybaby)
Her voice so small
(Speak up! Speak up! But only when I tell you to!).
Eyes on the floor.
Walk so very softly.
(Become the wallpaper upon the wall
Your fingers never touch)
When She breathes, if she breathes,
Hold it, listen.
(What the hell are you wearing?)
Do not move another step
Television volume up high
To mask the sound of her
(They walk among us)
The controllers and abusers,
The controlled and abused.
And Momma always said
You never know what goes on behind
I dreamt I was a
Little girl again,
Wearing a white prairie dress.
I came upon a lone house in the countryside
Surrounded by beautiful trees,
But the sky was dark and i was alone.
I entered the house,
Something told me it was home.
It was dingy and empty and falling apart,
Fear began to grip my heart.
I started calling my sisters name only to hear my footsteps in return.
I thought maybe to lay upon the floor and look no more
When down the stairs she
Came dressed just like me,
(The only exception being her hair of red and my hair
She took me by the hand and led me to
We went outside to sit and play in the dirt,
The sky now a dusty brown.
I was fearful but felt comfort in her presence.
She stopped playing suddenly and looked me in the eye to whisper
“My mommy does not like me.”
To which I replied,
“Neither does mine.”
My sister how I love thee.
Do not fear the
Of your own ocean
Simply because the
People around you cannot