Tag Archives: fear

Broke

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Somewhere

Before I remember,

When i began to walk

I think,

I started carrying your disappointment and Fear

On my back.

And when my staggering posture became noticeable

I

Carefully moved it

Behind my ribcage

Between my heart and my stomach,

Rearranging my insides for you.

It was almost impossible to breathe,

Impossible to eat.

Though I thought that is what good children do.

As I grew I realized

You did it for your mother and father too.

This was all you knew.

I am grateful we broke our hearts open.

Thus,

We broke the silence.

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Brave

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The bravest thing i ever did

Was to

Return home and

Confront

My fear and pain.

Oh the nightmares. The anxiety and dizziness

From holding my breath all this time.

I believed I had left it there in darkened places

(That fear)

But truly

I had been carrying it;

Wearing it.

I placed forgiveness

There;

Home.

And in return

Was immersed in love.

And I felt lighter and I flew higher than ever before.

On to living a fuller life.

On to letting go of more of this and that I have picked up along the way.

The power was mine all along.

The power is mine.

Hit

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You

Knocked the breath out of her.

Hands hit skin,

Words hit heart.

She was fearful

Of everyone.

Scared to speak.

Scared to move.

To say the wrong word,

To give the wrong look.

Her legs always shaking step by step.

Heaven forbid a tear should fall

(You damn crybaby)

Her voice so small

(Speak up! Speak up! But only when I tell you to!).

Eyes on the floor.

Walk so very softly.

(Become the wallpaper upon the wall

Your fingers never touch)

When She breathes, if she breathes,

Hold it, listen.

(What the hell are you wearing?)

Do not move another step

Until

Television volume up high

To mask the sound of her

Existence.

(They walk among us)

The controllers and abusers,

The controlled and abused.

And Momma always said

You never know what goes on behind

Closed doors.

Sister

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I dreamt I was a

Little girl again,

Wearing a white prairie dress.

I came upon a lone house in the countryside

Surrounded by beautiful trees,

But the sky was dark and i was alone.

I entered the house,

Something told me it was home.

It was dingy and empty and falling apart,

Fear began to grip my heart.

I started calling my sisters name only to hear my footsteps in return.

I thought maybe to lay upon the floor and look no more

When down the stairs she

Came dressed just like me,

(The only exception being her hair of red and my hair

Of black.)

She took me by the hand and led me to

The door.

We went outside to sit and play in the dirt,

The sky now a dusty brown.
I was fearful but felt comfort in her presence.

She stopped playing suddenly and looked me in the eye to whisper

“My mommy does not like me.”

To which I replied,

“Neither does mine.”
Oh sister

My sister,

My sister how I love thee.

Someone

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Someone told me
The people who did these things to me are not here anymore.
They can no longer hurt me.
Why this did not occur to me before,
I do not know.
Maybe because i still hear their
Voices.
Maybe because every senseĀ and nerve in me reacts to
Certain noises and movements as if those people are still in the same room with me;
I feel the ghost of their touch.
I am ready to let them go now;

To see them, to feel them fade
Away into nothingness.
They can no longer keep
Their
Invisible grip
Because you cannot
Imprison
Peace.
You cannot hold love captive.
I am no longer fear,
I am love
And love is free.