Before I remember,
When i began to walk
I started carrying your disappointment and Fear
On my back.
And when my staggering posture became noticeable
Carefully moved it
Behind my ribcage
Between my heart and my stomach,
Rearranging my insides for you.
It was almost impossible to breathe,
Impossible to eat.
Though I thought that is what good children do.
As I grew I realized
You did it for your mother and father too.
This was all you knew.
I am grateful we broke our hearts open.
We broke the silence.
The bravest thing i ever did
Return home and
My fear and pain.
Oh the nightmares. The anxiety and dizziness
From holding my breath all this time.
I believed I had left it there in darkened places
I had been carrying it;
I placed forgiveness
And in return
Was immersed in love.
And I felt lighter and I flew higher than ever before.
On to living a fuller life.
On to letting go of more of this and that I have picked up along the way.
The power was mine all along.
The power is mine.
Knocked the breath out of her.
Hands hit skin,
Words hit heart.
She was fearful
Scared to speak.
Scared to move.
To say the wrong word,
To give the wrong look.
Her legs always shaking step by step.
Heaven forbid a tear should fall
(You damn crybaby)
Her voice so small
(Speak up! Speak up! But only when I tell you to!).
Eyes on the floor.
Walk so very softly.
(Become the wallpaper upon the wall
Your fingers never touch)
When She breathes, if she breathes,
Hold it, listen.
(What the hell are you wearing?)
Do not move another step
Television volume up high
To mask the sound of her
(They walk among us)
The controllers and abusers,
The controlled and abused.
And Momma always said
You never know what goes on behind
I dreamt I was a
Little girl again,
Wearing a white prairie dress.
I came upon a lone house in the countryside
Surrounded by beautiful trees,
But the sky was dark and i was alone.
I entered the house,
Something told me it was home.
It was dingy and empty and falling apart,
Fear began to grip my heart.
I started calling my sisters name only to hear my footsteps in return.
I thought maybe to lay upon the floor and look no more
When down the stairs she
Came dressed just like me,
(The only exception being her hair of red and my hair
She took me by the hand and led me to
We went outside to sit and play in the dirt,
The sky now a dusty brown.
I was fearful but felt comfort in her presence.
She stopped playing suddenly and looked me in the eye to whisper
“My mommy does not like me.”
To which I replied,
“Neither does mine.”
My sister how I love thee.
Do not fear the
Of your own ocean
Simply because the
People around you cannot
Someone told me
The people who did these things to me are not here anymore.
They can no longer hurt me.
Why this did not occur to me before,
I do not know.
Maybe because i still hear their
Maybe because every sense and nerve in me reacts to
Certain noises and movements as if those people are still in the same room with me;
I feel the ghost of their touch.
I am ready to let them go now;
To see them, to feel them fade
Away into nothingness.
They can no longer keep
Because you cannot
You cannot hold love captive.
I am no longer fear,
I am love
And love is free.