I have lost count the times I blew out my own candle,
to hide in the dark, to keep myself unseen.
But I did not know there were such lovely souls,
who found people like me
And let us be without criticizing.
Softly they lit the way out,
Not a light to blinding nor a noise to frightening,
Allowing us time and space to
Re-emerge at our own pace,
In our own time￼.
I am ever grateful.
I decide to get up.
My brain has been talking to me all night anyway.
It is very dark and I tiptoe
Trying to be quiet
But it is no use,
The old floors creak no matter how light my step.
The wind brings a comfort in its steady howl;
I am not alone after all in this darkness
In these early hours.
Hides in your body
And it finds some cozy,
Safe place to hide
A muscle or tendon
Think you have gotten
You neglected the hardest part,
Going through the depths of yourself to purge it.
Find it there
Gather it up and hold it there
The tension has been there long
Allow it to be.
These parts of you long for love.
Set yourself free and gaze into yourself
Allowing your love to soften and release
Into the stillness,
One at a time,
Each piece that has planted itself in you out of fear.
And honor your path to healing
For it is yours alone.
I was taught to
Swallow my tears.
Keep them within,
Becoming bloated with grief.
My blood saturated with salt
Heart so heavy
And lungs drowned with self inflicted water,
I could no longer stand.
I could not absorb oxygen needed to keep warm nor fully breathe,
Could not pump blood through my own veins to live.
Not knowing that to cry was such strength
For those surrounding me
Claimed it as
A winning of some kind to break another more than yourself.
I still cry in the dark.
I never said I was perfect.
You locked me in a room
Then turned off the circuit breakers leaving me
Alone in the dark.
You knew I was terrified of ghosts,
Turning up the music to drown out my cries.
Telling me the demons were waiting to
Devour me whole;
To take my soul.
You did not know that they would
Turn and take care of me.
You did not know my Warrior Ancestors were there and would teach me
That love is the spark within that never
I was not alone.
I learned to dance with my Ancestors and our
Beauty created an indistinguishable fire
I learned a timeless courage
And smiled at the challenge you created.
For without you
I would have never experienced
All this firsthand.
People would have spoke of these things and I would
Have dismissed them as crazy.
Now I am one of them.
The battle is real
Should i have a glass of wine
Climb in the closet, shut the door and
Sit in the dark?
Teetering on the edge
Of laughter and screams.
Rocking to and fro.
I must remember why i
I love so deep
But do not think i am so
My jaw has met fist amongst other things.
Shadows call even though there be
And friendly faces on the street.
Apathy Creeping at my feet.
Once again I retreat from
The invisible forces.
With those formless thought shifters.
“Go away!” I say as my worth is not in
Their ungrateful hands.
I write truth on the wall.
I must remember why i am here.
I close my eyes once more and am
Taken to the red dirt
Where I kneel.
Home feels so far but there
It is in my heart. My heart.
How could I forget. Wallowing
In my fears.
I know why i am here.
I let them
Get in my head. I let them twist my mind.
Deplorable thoughts have no control.
Thoughts cannot condemn my soul.
I know why i am here.
He (she too) knows he is called strange
And beautiful in the same breath.
His (her) delight in life contagious
And the right mix of elements
He (she does) crashes
And no words nor touch
Can reach him.
Blinded and numb.
(She turns within)
For no one can save him and he knows this.
They do not fathom the depths
He can hold his breath longer
For he knows at the surface
The darkness waits unbidden.
It always waits
Unbidden and unseen by others.
(They do not see it
They do not feel it)
And they lose patience
Going on their way
To fill their own void for they cannot hold their
breath any longer.
(She is still there)
And he resurfaces.
Returns from the untime
To be aware.
Skin tender, jaw tight
And goes on.
Invites others from empty tables to join him.
Holds others when their arms are too full
Because he is thankful they have not swam so
deep into the darkness as he.
(He sees remnants of shadows on her eyes)