Cry

They snuggled in close as could be;

Tangled.

Turning away

She buried her face in the blanket.

Hidden.

To her

He whispered softly,

“It‘s okay to cry you know.”

She lifted her gaze to his,

“But i am so afraid,

So fearful i will drown in myself.

That i will be so ugly to you.”

And in his eyes she felt his reply,

“Let yourself go.

You think you will drown

But this is where you become yourself,

Where

You are more.

I felt your soulshine upon arrival here. Birth.

Radiate.

Nourish.

This is how the roots are hydrated my

Love, and this is where one

Flourishes,

In the letting go.”

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I was taught to

Swallow my tears.

Keep them within,

Becoming bloated with grief.

My blood saturated with salt

Until

Solidified

Heart so heavy

And lungs drowned with self inflicted water,

I could no longer stand.

I could not absorb oxygen needed to keep warm nor fully breathe,

Could not pump blood through my own veins to live.

Not knowing that to cry was such strength

For those surrounding me

Saw it,

Claimed it as

Victory;

A winning of some kind to break another more than yourself.

I still cry in the dark.

I never said I was perfect.

Sneak Out

Let’s sneak out after midnight.

Meet me down the road.

We’ll go running through the field.

Nobody will know.

Bring your father’s bourbon

And a radio too.

We’ll listen to some music,

Maybe dance a song or two.

I’ll bring us a blanket

And wear my yellow dress.

The one I wore last summer,

The one you like best.

We’ll lay down with each other,

Not breathe a single word.

Because we know what our hearts are saying,

Nothing that can be heard.

We’ll count the stars to a million.

We’ll laugh until we cry.

We’ll hold each others hands,

Watch the lightening bugs make fire in the

Sky.

And I can’t wait to see you.

Can’t wait to breathe you in.

Can’t wait to see your laughing eyes

And do it all again.

*originally published November 2015 @choleintodiamonds*

Battle

The battle is real

Should i have a glass of wine

Or

Climb in the closet, shut the door and

Sit in the dark?

Teetering on the edge

Of laughter and screams.

Rocking to and fro.

I must remember why i

Am here.
I love so deep

But do not think i am so

Fragile.

My jaw has met fist amongst other things.

Shadows call even though there be

Light

And friendly faces on the street.

Apathy Creeping at my feet.

Once again I retreat from

The invisible forces.
Battling

Battling

With those formless thought shifters.

“Go away!” I say as my worth is not in

Their ungrateful hands.

I write truth on the wall.

I must remember why i am here.
I close my eyes once more and am

Taken to the red dirt

Where I kneel.

Home feels so far but there

It is in my heart. My heart.

How could I forget. Wallowing

In my fears.

I know why i am here.
I let them

Get in my head. I let them twist my mind.

Deplorable thoughts have no control.

Thoughts cannot condemn my soul.

I know why i am here.

Do i?

Never Know

I never know what to say.
I do not know what to say.

So I write

To

The pages beneath my fingertips

For they hold my heart

In confidence.

Here,

On paper,

I may laugh or cry without saying a word.

Many Days

Many hours

Even music cannot fill the darkness.

So in silence I sit,

In silence

I am full.

Many days my heart is too heavy,

My sight barricades itself

I have not the strength to lift

My

Pen and place it to paper

Or my eyes to sunlight.

I sit in darkness.

In darkness I rest.

And I sink

Beyond my knees to earth.

Beyond touch of hand

Or restless thoughts

Where I lie.

For I do not even whisper there,

I do not not even cry.

Bliss

I  tremble internally
At your touch.
My body sings,
It cries.
I cannot speak.
Your name is
My heartbeat
Itself.
I close my eyes
I feel you there.
Every atom of you
Merging with mine.
And here is bliss
Beyond any
Knowing we have
Felt.
The endless ache is no longer.