The First Time I Almost Drowned

I was 5 years old the first time I almost drowned.

My mother, younger siblings and I were staying in a hotel in Palm Springs.

It was the one and only time I met my Grandpa before he died of a heart attack.  I only saw my Grandma one more time after this visit.

A little boy I met at the hotel and I were playing hide and seek out by the pool. I do not recall where my Grandpa was and my mom was in the hotel room with my brother and sister.

It was my turn to seek and I found the boy hiding behind one of the vending machines .We were laughing as we were walking to the other side of the pool;

Without any warning he shoved me into the deep end of the pool and ran away.

I did not know how to swim and of course panicked, thrashing and kicking , trying to get my head above water to know avail.

I could see the blue sky and sun above me but no matter how hard I tried, I could not break the surface even with my little hands.

I saw the silver hand rail and side steps to climb out and came so very close to grasping the rail, only to find my fingers not quite able to grip it and I would float farther away.

Finally no longer able to hold my breath,

I took a big gulp of water in and at that very moment was pulled up out of the water and into the air.

 

Crying, choking and gasping I instantly threw up. My nose and throat hurt terribly. Eventually I was wrapped in a towel and carried by my Grandpa to the hotel room where i was reunited with my momma.

I never saw the little boy again.

 

Time turns slowly when you believe you are drowning.

Still I returned to the water.

 

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Share

Share your song love

Whether sad or

Happy;

Anything in between.

Sing, dance and see.

Break hearts and minds open as only you can

With your gifts.

Your

Tones,

Your beat

Reverberate.

Move your feet.

Laugh out loud.

Observe.

Let the tears flow,

Let your body go, move to your rhythm.

Your vibration,

Let it travel;

Let it flow,

Let it go.

The love you share heals.

You are the gift itself.

We are gifts.

Cry

They snuggled in close as could be;

Tangled.

Turning away

She buried her face in the blanket.

Hidden.

To her

He whispered softly,

“It‘s okay to cry you know.”

She lifted her gaze to his,

“But i am so afraid,

So fearful i will drown in myself.

That i will be so ugly to you.”

And in his eyes she felt his reply,

“Let yourself go.

You think you will drown

But this is where you become yourself,

Where

You are more.

I felt your soulshine upon arrival here. Birth.

Radiate.

Nourish.

This is how the roots are hydrated my

Love, and this is where one

Flourishes,

In the letting go.”

I was taught to

Swallow my tears.

Keep them within,

Becoming bloated with grief.

My blood saturated with salt

Until

Solidified

Heart so heavy

And lungs drowned with self inflicted water,

I could no longer stand.

I could not absorb oxygen needed to keep warm nor fully breathe,

Could not pump blood through my own veins to live.

Not knowing that to cry was such strength

For those surrounding me

Saw it,

Claimed it as

Victory;

A winning of some kind to break another more than yourself.

I still cry in the dark.

I never said I was perfect.

Sneak Out

Let’s sneak out after midnight.

Meet me down the road.

We’ll go running through the field.

Nobody will know.

Bring your father’s bourbon

And a radio too.

We’ll listen to some music,

Maybe dance a song or two.

I’ll bring us a blanket

And wear my yellow dress.

The one I wore last summer,

The one you like best.

We’ll lay down with each other,

Not breathe a single word.

Because we know what our hearts are saying,

Nothing that can be heard.

We’ll count the stars to a million.

We’ll laugh until we cry.

We’ll hold each others hands,

Watch the lightening bugs make fire in the

Sky.

And I can’t wait to see you.

Can’t wait to breathe you in.

Can’t wait to see your laughing eyes

And do it all again.

*originally published November 2015 @choleintodiamonds*

Battle

The battle is real

Should i have a glass of wine

Or

Climb in the closet, shut the door and

Sit in the dark?

Teetering on the edge

Of laughter and screams.

Rocking to and fro.

I must remember why i

Am here.
I love so deep

But do not think i am so

Fragile.

My jaw has met fist amongst other things.

Shadows call even though there be

Light

And friendly faces on the street.

Apathy Creeping at my feet.

Once again I retreat from

The invisible forces.
Battling

Battling

With those formless thought shifters.

“Go away!” I say as my worth is not in

Their ungrateful hands.

I write truth on the wall.

I must remember why i am here.
I close my eyes once more and am

Taken to the red dirt

Where I kneel.

Home feels so far but there

It is in my heart. My heart.

How could I forget. Wallowing

In my fears.

I know why i am here.
I let them

Get in my head. I let them twist my mind.

Deplorable thoughts have no control.

Thoughts cannot condemn my soul.

I know why i am here.

Do i?

Never Know

I never know what to say.
I do not know what to say.

So I write

To

The pages beneath my fingertips

For they hold my heart

In confidence.

Here,

On paper,

I may laugh or cry without saying a word.