Monthly Archives: January 2020

Blew Out

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I have lost count the times I blew out my own candle,

to hide in the dark, to keep myself unseen.

But I did not know there were such lovely souls,

the seekers,

who found people like me

And let us be without criticizing.

Kindly,

Lovingly,

Softly they lit the way out,

Not a light to blinding nor a noise to frightening,

Allowing us time and space to

Re-emerge at our own pace,

In our own time.

I am ever grateful.

Steady

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I struggle to steady my mind

And I cannot find the breath to

Say i am tired,

And I cannot find the strength to

Reach for you.

My walls so high and mighty.

My fear steals my bones.

I’ve heard them whisper about me

Then turn and

Smile at me in the reflection in the mirror.

I’ve seen them steal away and swallow

Anything they can put their fingers on.

Eat. Sleep.

Dream.

Name

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Fear so deep you tremble and hold yourself tight so as not to lose your bladder. Fear.

And you begin to lie to keep the peace.

The light nearly beat out of you by words,

open hand, back hand.

You lie.

Smile out the door,

No one knows.

No one knows why you jump with a start so easily. They tease, you laugh.

Always hoping no one knows your name.

(Please don’t say it.

Nothing good happens when you hear your name)

Freeze.

The unspoken understanding in trauma experienced between family members.

The ever unpredictable behavior of a parent.

The unprovoked attacks.

The silent body language used to communicate

Between those abused.

Speak in rhyme and riddle a code never shared beyond these walls.

The eyes,

The slight gestures unnoticeable to others

In moments of extreme panic.

What will happen next?

Don’t speak,

Don’t move,

I will take the hit, you move.

I will carry you again and again for i would rather bleed and bruise than watch you get beat.

The laughter when you are safe,

Nervous smiles of relief.

Heal and save your energy for the next unexpected round.

Even though you know it is coming

You keep this little light of hope………

No one talks of hell. You are so damn brave and no one knows.

And so you go by many names and it leaves confusion. Even when you tell them, they don’t remember and you believe it doesn’t matter anymore.

Silence.