Bath

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Hotel.

I draw a hot bath, pourng generous amounts of bubble bath under the faucet.

I immerse myself slowly as the temperature of the water is a bit too hot.

White tub, white shower curtains,

White noise fan.

Speckled walls.

Sleepy eyelids closing.

I want to stay here and dream.

The water is getting chilly

And the faucet is dripping ice cold drops on my toes,

Reminding me this is no fairytale.

The fan is signing to me

And no one is asking me questions now.

I will stay just a little longer.

Linger just a little longer.

Linger just a little longer

As tears trickle

Down my skin eventually mixing with the bath water.

I will merely imagine

I am adrift in the ocean.

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Roam

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I travel and travel on.

Straight roads

And winding roads.

Flying.

Driving.

Crawling.

On the chaos of the main roads

To the quiet of dirt and narrow foot trodden

Routes.

Finding myself

On the game trails between

Birch and pine.

It comes to pass

Once again,

No trail

Before me.

Roaming on.

I am home.

And roaming on I will go

For everywhere

Is home.

Innermost Longing

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Here I sit.

I cannot sleep yet I am exhausted.

I want to laugh.

I want to cry.

I want to curl up in the closet.

I want to run beside the ocean.

I want to scream.

I want to sit atop a mountain and feel the wind in my hair.

Feel it stroke my face.

I want to dance and laugh and sing until I collapse.

I want to forget.

I want to stand tall, walk forward

And never look back.

I want my heart back in one piece.

I want to sleep and dream and I want to wake up feeling safe with a  smile in my heart.

I want to trust.

I want to let go and love,

Hold nothing back.

I want to lean and rest my soul.

I want to breathe.

I want to break the surface.

I want to revive my heart.

I want to give a piece of me without regret.

I want to break the chains my heart and mind have bound me in.

I want to sigh.

I want to cut the anchor and soar.

I want to speak softly and be heard.

I want to lie in a field of flowers and watch the clouds drift by and listen to the wind caress the trees.

I want to believe in myself.

I want to be.

*originally posted January 8,2014*

*choleintodiamonds*

Broke

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Somewhere

Before I remember,

When i began to walk

I think,

I started carrying your disappointment and Fear

On my back.

And when my staggering posture became noticeable

I

Carefully moved it

Behind my ribcage

Between my heart and my stomach,

Rearranging my insides for you.

It was almost impossible to breathe,

Impossible to eat.

Though I thought that is what good children do.

As I grew I realized

You did it for your mother and father too.

This was all you knew.

I am grateful we broke our hearts open.

Thus,

We broke the silence.

Brave

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The bravest thing i ever did

Was to

Return home and

Confront

My fear and pain.

Oh the nightmares. The anxiety and dizziness

From holding my breath all this time.

I believed I had left it there in darkened places

(That fear)

But truly

I had been carrying it;

Wearing it.

I placed forgiveness

There;

Home.

And in return

Was immersed in love.

And I felt lighter and I flew higher than ever before.

On to living a fuller life.

On to letting go of more of this and that I have picked up along the way.

The power was mine all along.

The power is mine.

Mommas Violin

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Momma would pick up the violin

When her heart was breaking.

And the strings she would play

Until her fingers,

They were aching.

And her tears

Made the melody

Flow from her soul.

Even though I was young,

I felt it in my blood.

The love and the hate.

The longing and yearning

As it echoed from impossible

Depths.

Each note

Bleeding

Out

From the

Fissures

Of her

Heart.

*choleintodiamonds*

* originally posted May 2014*