I draw a hot bath, pourng generous amounts of bubble bath under the faucet.
I immerse myself slowly as the temperature of the water is a bit too hot.
White tub, white shower curtains,
White noise fan.
Sleepy eyelids closing.
I want to stay here and dream.
The water is getting chilly
And the faucet is dripping ice cold drops on my toes,
Reminding me this is no fairytale.
The fan is signing to me
And no one is asking me questions now.
I will stay just a little longer.
Linger just a little longer.
Linger just a little longer
As tears trickle
Down my skin eventually mixing with the bath water.
I will merely imagine
I am adrift in the ocean.
I travel and travel on.
And winding roads.
On the chaos of the main roads
To the quiet of dirt and narrow foot trodden
On the game trails between
Birch and pine.
It comes to pass
I am home.
And roaming on I will go
Here I sit.
I cannot sleep yet I am exhausted.
I want to laugh.
I want to cry.
I want to curl up in the closet.
I want to run beside the ocean.
I want to scream.
I want to sit atop a mountain and feel the wind in my hair.
Feel it stroke my face.
I want to dance and laugh and sing until I collapse.
I want to forget.
I want to stand tall, walk forward
And never look back.
I want my heart back in one piece.
I want to sleep and dream and I want to wake up feeling safe with a smile in my heart.
I want to trust.
I want to let go and love,
Hold nothing back.
I want to lean and rest my soul.
I want to breathe.
I want to break the surface.
I want to revive my heart.
I want to give a piece of me without regret.
I want to break the chains my heart and mind have bound me in.
I want to sigh.
I want to cut the anchor and soar.
I want to speak softly and be heard.
I want to lie in a field of flowers and watch the clouds drift by and listen to the wind caress the trees.
I want to believe in myself.
I want to be.
*originally posted January 8,2014*
Before I remember,
When i began to walk
I started carrying your disappointment and Fear
On my back.
And when my staggering posture became noticeable
Carefully moved it
Behind my ribcage
Between my heart and my stomach,
Rearranging my insides for you.
It was almost impossible to breathe,
Impossible to eat.
Though I thought that is what good children do.
As I grew I realized
You did it for your mother and father too.
This was all you knew.
I am grateful we broke our hearts open.
We broke the silence.
The weight takes flight from your bones
And your heart
Bigger. Boundary free.
And the flow
Of energy and love returns.
You are stronger than you realize.
The bravest thing i ever did
Return home and
My fear and pain.
Oh the nightmares. The anxiety and dizziness
From holding my breath all this time.
I believed I had left it there in darkened places
I had been carrying it;
I placed forgiveness
And in return
Was immersed in love.
And I felt lighter and I flew higher than ever before.
On to living a fuller life.
On to letting go of more of this and that I have picked up along the way.
The power was mine all along.
The power is mine.
Momma would pick up the violin
When her heart was breaking.
And the strings she would play
Until her fingers,
They were aching.
And her tears
Made the melody
Flow from her soul.
Even though I was young,
I felt it in my blood.
The love and the hate.
The longing and yearning
As it echoed from impossible
* originally posted May 2014*